“Remember your Mantra…”

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Dear Blog,

Hi, welcome back! Thanks for stopping by once again. How have you been? Me? Oh, I have been doing kinda fine… Why? you wonder, well, it’s because I kinda did the bravest thing I have pretty much done in a looooong time. Two days ago, I turned in my resignation at my place of work. Yes, I thought long and hard about it before I did it, and I did it.

 

Did you read my welcome blog? If you did, then you know that I am on a quest to re-brand myself in this 49th space, as I usher in my 50th anniversary. No, quitting was not really on the menu, at least not like this, not this early, but, one thing I am learning, is when you fall in the river, you either quickly learn to swim…or you sink.

 

I have worked with my current employer for about 2 years now. Basically since I left the U.S Air Force in 2016. I am one of the top producers in my clinic, if not the top producer. I have given them my very best, and then some… Have I also asked for favors? yes, indeed, I have. I told them I needed time to go to school, during my intake interview, they obliged. I switched from four 10 hour days to five 8 hour days, with no resistance. I work from 10 a.m to 7 p.m daily to allow me study in the mornings, which has been a blessing. But I have also given ALL of me to them. I see my patients sans drama, I see more patients sans drama. My patients and I have a wonderful relationship. I will surely miss them, but… this call is greater than the sum of them and I. I know I bring a splash of “rainbow goodness” daily to work. I carry my unique African pride around the office with me, and my #blackgurlmagic?… oh yea! that’s a given! All this is because, I absolutely LOVE what I do. So, it’s not work, it’s my life.

However, there comes a time when one has to grow up and grow out. I believe that time has come. So, in the spirit of transparency and full disclosure, I informed my superiors  of my plans to pursue my dreams of entrepreneurship. I simply need more time on the weekdays to do so. I asked to work part time. A request which they denied. So, I did the only other thing one should do when they have vision, while those around them only have sight, I quit.

To my surprise, the elation did not last too long, when my arch nemeses, “Self Doubt” and its best friend, “Fear” came-a-calling. I started experiencing palpitations and other expressions of my autonomic nervous system, to the point that I believe I had a partial panic attack last night. I heard them in my head “What have you done, girl? Are you for real?  You done lost your mind, Chile? What about your bills? Don’t you have a son going off to college next month? Blah, blah, blah…” I even had a terrible headache from no where. I craved carbs like mad, and unfortunately, I let my cravings win, and ate half a container of gummy bears, some pop corn and a spicy chicken patty before I could stop myself (yea, I know my Beloved is going to read that last line, shake her head, and roll her eyes. Pero, es verdad).

I went to bed early, and woke up around 2am with tachycardia and warm sweat. I said a prayer to Jesus, and luckily, I was able to fall back to sleep. Woke up early, and started my morning Yoga Retreat exercises (by Beach Body) When my Beloved came out to leave for work, I was just finishing up. I told her about my panic episode, and asked her if she thought I had made a mistake. She calmly took a deep breath, looked me in the eye and said “No you didn’t”. “Remember your Mantra, she chided, If your dreams don’t scare you, they are not big enough…” “Think about all those people who are routing for you, but most of all, focus on all those doctors, and teens who are waiting for your help, all those whose lives you will touch, who will benefit from your business(es), and stick with your plan. It is very normal for you to feel this way”.

I shed easy tears after she left for work. I was so touched by her words. I said a quiet thank you as the door closed behind her, and folded up my mat. And right then it became crystal clear to me that I had made the right decision, no matter what “Self Doubt” and “Fear” have to say about it. I also remember now, that about this time 2 years ago, I felt similar emotions when I decided not to renew my contract with the Air Force, but look how far I have come since then. I shall therefore, go forth with my Vision in one hand, and my Faith in the other. I figure Self Doubt and Fear, are no match for Vision and Faith. “No Retreat, No Regret…”

In closing, I will say a big thank you, to you again for stopping by. An even bigger thank you to God for making us possible, I did tell you, this, is about our relationship, didn’t I? I thank Him for making dreams. For creating bravado (of huge proportions) and giving me a slice of it. For beautiful supportive spouses. For Faith, Vision and  for Love, the greatest gift there ever was.

img_1945Until we meet again, I will echo M.J, in saying, “you keep dreaming…”

Peace Still.

BB

“Little girls with dreams become women with vision.”  Anonymous

 

PS: My website dedicated to fighting teen depression and teen suicide, teenalive.com is LIVE, click the link to check it out!

 

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Dear Blog, I can’t believe I have so much to say, yet nothing to write…

I cannot believe that this day has finally come! The day I get to write my very first blog on my very own blog-site (my 17yr-old says I should not call it that, but what does he know, right?) I am soooo giddy with excitement at this, yet I am at a loss for words!

How does that even happen, and why? I am a writer, a word-smith, as my friend and high school classmate, U.N. affectionately refers to me (you’ll get to meet a bunch of my friends, if you stick around. In fact, you will get to meet my entire family, and everyone around me, especially those dear to me if you hang around long enough…just promise me you’ll come visit often, I will make it worth your while, I promise) Like I was saying, I am a talker, someone who always has a comment ready, a chatterbox, as my wifener calls me, a story teller. So, why am I not able to come up with something to say today?.

I want my blog to be fun, I want it to be interactive, I want folks to come here, read, connect, chuckle a little, laugh a little and even shed a tear or two if need be. So why am I unable to come up with something fun and engaging to write?

 

I guess I should tell you that frequently, as I go about my day, I hear words and phrases, comments, stories and everything in between, and I note them. So much so that I have, on many an occasion told myself, “if only I had a blog, I would write that…”, now I have a blog…and…nada? Where are all my stories? Hmmm. I hope I will eventually get over this block, “wait, what? a block? already? please say it ain’t so! Ok, let me rephrase, I know I will eventually make a headway, I am assuming this is common, and other experienced bloggers went through this. I am saying to myself, “the words will come”. They’d better.

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So, by the way, just how long should my blogs be? How often do I post? what exactly am I supposed to be writing about? what if I sometimes have more to say? or not enough to say?, does it really matter? as long as I am happy with the end result(s), right?

 

I want this personal blog to reflect me, my interests, my passions, my life on a daily. I want folks to see and experience my life and I through my words. You think I can pull that off? Hmmm? I want it to be successful. I want to continue blogging long after most have stopped. I want, I want, I want…

Do other newbies go through this same self doubt, and uncertainty? Fears that no one will read their blogs and they won’t/can’t become famous through them? I am really hoping that others experienced this as newbies, if not, H-town, we might have a problem…

Any-who, I needed to write something down on your page today before I lose my momentum. So I have, and I am done. I can only hope it is good enough. I know we just met, so I can’t tell you everything about me on our first meeting. In time, I will. I would also like to know about you. Who are you? how did you find me? what would you like to know about me? I can already tell this is going to be a good relationship. It is always about the relationships, but then, you already knew that, right? Please drop me a quick “hello” before you leave, would you?

Ok, I don’t want to bore you, so let me get off while I am ahead… I can promise you, my next letter will surely be jam-packed full of juicy stuff.

Until then…

Peace still.

BB

PS: My website dedicated to fighting teen depression and teen suicide, teenalive.com is LIVE, click the link to check it out!