#Becoming

The month of September is the halfway mark for the 50th anniversary of my birth.

Today, I am reminded that I am #Becoming a new me, a more fulfilled me, a more conscientious, mindful, freer and more productive me.

As I look back at the past 6months, I see a lot of change, a lot of progress and a lot of challenges that have been on my path, and I see myself as a woman conquering.

As I look into the future, I see my dreams on the verge of fulfillment, it is going to be a mix of uncomfortable, inconvenient, uncertainty, pain, and who knows what more.

My ever-constant companions, fear, and doubt, still rear their ugly heads from time to time. Tugging at me, distracting me, taunting me…all the way.

Have I accomplished everything I set out to do this year? No.

Do I still believe the future I dreamed for myself is attainable? Hell Yeah!’

Am I going to go forth, afraid? I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Isn’t that the definition of courage? Going forth…albeit afraid?

One kid is a senior in college; the other, a sophomore in college; the baby in high school. A blog, a bestseller, a parent and teen workshop, speaking engagements, a podcast  (another in the making), two brand new side gigs and a brand new private practice, all in the space of one year, ain’t too shabby if I might say so myself.

For once, I refused to listen to the bully inside my head. The one that goes about telling me lies, telling me I am not good enough, not girl enough, not woman enough, not man enough, not Black enough, not White enough, not… simply put, I am just not enough.

I also refused to listen to those that said I couldn’t do any of these things successfully, what more doing them all!

I quickly realized this past year that friends and family are sometimes worse than strangers and foes, and strangers are sometimes better than friends and family.

Many still think me a fool for helping others along the way…for free. Many think I have the formula wrong because I am not charging $$ for “every small thing”.

To them I say, was it not given to me freely? Is money really the heart of everything? When do you then use your heart to help? Only when you get paid? Ha!

Neither one of us can take that money with us. None of us can add one single day to our lives with all the money we (shall) acquire.

So, what’s the fuss?Me, Red Dress

I shall go forth, loving myself more, caring for myself more, even daring to praise myself more. I am, and should (after all) always be my own self’s best cheerleader.

It has been a long hard road to that realization…so…

Never again will I critique myself negatively. Constructively? Yes.

Never again will I allow my inner bully to convince me I am not enough. I might not be good enough at somethings, but I am darned great at many things.

Never again will I allow others to dictate my direction for me. Guide me? Maybe.

Henceforth, I will allow myself to fail as often as is needed because failure, to me, is now nothing but fuel for success.

It is a chance to say to myself “maybe things weren’t supposed to end that way”, “maybe we should regroup and retry”, “maybe just maybe”. After all, none of us can see the future.

We are all work in progress, but we must get out of our own way.

In the end, I have realized that… I was good enough yesterday, I am good enough today, and I shall be good enough tomorrow, as long as I continue to believe in my process of #Becoming.

“If you want to go somewhere you have never gone before, you must be prepared to do something you have never done before” ~ Lisa Nichols

BB

 

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#neverforget #alwaysremember

 

Dear Blog, as Black History Month comes to an end…

I want to say this to you, to my people, the Black Butterflies, and Black Bees, and Black Hornets out there…

You know who you are, you know yourselves,

stand tall, stand proud, take a knee, take a bow, be strong, but whatever you do…

 

 

#neverforget

#alwaysremember

 

They came from the African coasts

from the Motherland…

from the belly of the seas, the depths of the ocean

My people,

My ancestors,

Aunts and uncles, yours and mine.

 

Look closely,

See the furrowed brows?

Hear their anguished voices?

Listen to the wailing from the depths of their hearts;

the unborn, the children, the youth, the grown, the aged.

 

Their pain, oh, the pain!

I feel it, fresh as it were today.

Our wounds, still hurting from yesteryears,

…and fresh ones today cut deep

Our scars, never healing

Different, yet same.

 

The anguish in her furrowed brows

The cramps in his tired limbs

The cries from babes at the breast

The wailing from youth in pain

The torment that knows no end

Suffering and wondering, where is God?

 

Praying, asking, is this life?

Lives still in limbo

Thoughts still displaced

Hearts still bleeding

Minds still unknowing…questioning,

…wondering and wandering

 

Ashamed, confused, scared, angry, sad, dejected, unhappy but believing…

 

Today like always, we remember, we never forget.

 

Happy BHM

Black history museum pics

BB

 

 

BEING US

Being…

 

I, me, myself

You, she, her, yourself

We, us…being

Being us

 

It’s the being here

The staying there

The saying

The needing

The sharing

 

Seeing, knowing, smiling

Understanding

Talking, telling, speaking

 

The silence

 

Feeling your presence

Even in your absence

Your being here and there

 

You, me, us, we

Touching, sensing, wanting

Crying, laughing, doing, musing

 

Being

Simply being

Human beings, us

Love – Us

 

Happy Valentine’s Day Baby !

 

BB

I am a Doctor, Phenomenally.

Still on the matter of whether I am a doctor…

I have had quizzical looks.

Someone just told me today, on LI… “MD, yeah right”, she wrote…

They have walked past me in the clinic, up to my nurse and asked her if I AM REALLY the doctor.

They have told me they “love” my accent, and they have a neighbor in the projects, who looks just like me.

They have told me just “how young” I look, and how I am not old enough to be the doctor.

They have asked me how come my English is so good and wondered how I got to America…

They have even told me to go back to my country and “stop taking” their jobs…

But still, I stand.
And walk with an exaggerated swing to my hips and a killer swagger…

I AM a doctor, phenomenally.
I AM a pediatrician, a good one.
Yes, I AM.
Dare to walk in my heels?
#health #girlpower #naijanimi

BB

 

My Heart, My Life, My Love

Last night
I woke up to her, breathing.
I asked in a whisper
“Can I hug you…?”
 
She said no words,
Simply stretched her left arm,
wrapped it around me,
and drew me in.
 
I tucked my right hand under her back,
My left hand between her thighs,
Found the right spot on her soft bosom where I can hear my fav’rite lullaby;
the soft beating of her heart.
I listen for a bit.
 
Then I snuggle in,
Get comfortable
and fall asleep.
 
I have missed this…❤️
 
#thankful
#loveislove
 
Dedicated to all who dare to live and love out there…
And thanks to my beautiful muse,
Linda Brumskine
My life, my heart, my love.
BB
 
🏳️‍🌈

Do You See Me? Do You Know Me??

Do you see me?

Do you know me??

 

When you call me names

And pull at my hair

Drag my backpack

And mess up my books

Do you see me?

 

When you push me and punch me

And tell tall tales about me

When you jeer each time I pass by

Do you see my tears?

 

When my head pounds and my heart aches 

My pulse races and my hands sweat

At the thought of waking up…

…to another school day,

Do you even care?

 

When my back hurts and my stomach cramps

My lips swell and my shins sting

And both eyes are black

From your punches and kicks

Do you feel my pain?

 

When I cry alone in my room

And refuse mom’s best meals,

When I cut my wrists and cut my thighs…

…in tiny slits by day and by night

So as not to feel the hurt you cause

Do you know that?

 

Have you known a pain so deep

From being left out and all alone

When y’all don’t look at me, play with me or even speak to me,

When y’all sneer at me and make fun of me,

Do you know what that’s like?

 

Did you know that my stomaches never go away,

My leg pains don’t get better

My sadness has led to depression

And now I want out?

 

Al have you know that

I won’t tell anyone,

I can’t tell anyone because

They don’t really care,

They don’t want to help

And they can’t really help.

 

I want to end it all

 

Do you know that I have thoughts?

Thoughts about killing myself,

Thoughts I’d be better off dead

Thoughts about getting a gun

Thoughts about using a knife?

 

I also have other thoughts

Thoughts about getting even

Thoughts about ending your life

Thoughts about getting it done

Ending your life and mine

 

Do you know that

When you tease me daily,

When you mock me and make me feel small…

…invisible and insignificant

I want badly to get even?

 

Do you know I have a plan?

I want to show you that

I am strong

I COULD hurt you

I CAN bounce back

And I WOULD hurt you

Like you hurt me

 

Yes, I want to hurt you

And ensure you are not here when I am done

You will have a hole in your heart

You will hurt, like I hurt

You will pay for all my pain

Yes, that’s my plan.

 

But you know don’t you?

That I will NOT carry out my plan

That I will NOT hurt you back.

 

But, one thing is for certain,

I will not let you hurt me again, EVER!

I will put an end to it

I will…

…today.

 

 

 

To all who have been hurt by bullies everywhere,

I see you.

BB

…your sister, your kindred in depression.

Dear Blog,

I am Nigerian, your sister, your kindred in depression.
I too have been there, and I was also suicidal.

close-up-concept-conceptual-1029844 (1).jpg

Yes, I am a pediatrician, a veteran, a wife, a mom, a sister, friend, daughter, lover of life-life of the party.
But when I was down, none of these titles came to save me.
I felt my whole entire world crashing on me, and I wanted out.
I have three children, but they did not count
I have parents, and siblings, but they did not count,
I had a great enviable Lt. Col job in the USAF, it did not count,
I have a nice house, fancy cars, cool clothes, badass shoes, they didn’t count
Nothing I owned, counted,
I simply wanted out.
I am at a better place now, because someone heard my cry
She heard my voice, she listened,
She acted,
I survived.
And now am here…
Fighting.
Daily, speaking out, making eye contact, hugging one person at a time.
It will be done.
There will be no more suicides, no more hurt, no more pain.

BB

PS: My website dedicated to fighting teen depression and teen suicide, teenalive.com is LIVE, click the link to check it out!

 

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